Hello there again. This is yet another article of educating on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the Borderline Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorders. Please be aware that they are Disorders but despite that there really is no excuse for their behaviour or the way they treat people. In this article I am going to abbreviate Narcissistic Personality Disorder to NPD but these behaviour relate to the other orders as well.
First of all, I be you asking how can I write about these disorders to educate people of you have not been through it. Well I am recovering from a NPD. I won’t go into much detail regarding that but the one did I did find going through all this is.
1. The Lack of understanding that people have about these Disorders.
2. The way the NPD person is like a Jekyll and Hyde. To the outside world he is Mr Jeckyll the nice helpful friendly person. The one who is always there for his friends and family, but behind closed doors Mr Hyde comes to the service, the one who blames you for everything, the one who always puts you down, the one who never takes responsibility for their own actions because it is always someone else’s fault.
3. The fact the there is never any closure with a Narc. By the time the hurricane has passed you are standing there wondering what the hell happened and trying to make sense of it, even wondering if the Narc was right and it was your fault that everything fell apart.
This is why I am doing these articles to try and educate not just the survivors of the Narc, but friends, family and even children. Unless you have been with a Narc you will never understand what the survivor of this person has gone through and telling then to get over it and saying he is no longer in your life why can’t you just move on is not what survivors need to hear. Support and education is the key here. Trying to understand the behavior of the Narc can not only bring understanding for the Survivor but also for the people closest to them. So I am going to outline the main behavior of a Narc and how they reel you into their lives and then proceed to destroy it.
· Symptoms of a NPD
· Grandiosity with expectations of superior treatment from others
· Fixated on fantasies of power, success, intelligence, attractiveness, etc.
· Self-perception of being unique, superior and associated with high-status
people and institutions
· Needing constant admiration from others
· Sense of entitlement to special treatment and to obedience from others
· Exploitative of others to achieve personal gain
· Unwilling to empathize with others’ feelings, wishes, or needs
· Intensely jealous of others and the belief that others are equally jealous
· Pompous and arrogant demeanor
Powerful ways a NPD can emotionally cripple you.Idealization-Devaluation-Discard Phase
1. Love Bombing: This is the phase the Narc puts you on a pedestal making you the center of his/her world. Constantly showering you with flattery and praise. Constant phone calls and texts up to 20 times per day. Convincing you that you are the one they can’t live without and that you are their soulmate. This is how most victims get sucked in because they are telling you what you want to hear. They are telling you straight out with no game playing. This phase usually happens in the very early stages of the relationship lasting up to 3 to 6 months, sometimes longer depending on what the Narc really wants from you.
2. Devaluation Phase: This is the other side of the coin to the love bombing phase. This is where the Narc suddenly pushes you of the Pedestal that he/she had you on and not from a very safe height. The Narc will go hot and cold, start to criticize you, putting you down very subtly in public and also behind closed doors. Comparing you to others, constantly breaking promises, never following through on anything. You start to feel that you will never be able to please this person no matter how hard you try. Eventually you become convinced that everything that is happening is your fault. Even though the Narc can be possessive and Jealous they can also turn this around and say that you are to needy and clingy. All this is a form of control over the victim. Unfortunately, during this stage this is where the Narc really starts to show their true colours and when this happens you need to understand that the person at the beginning of the relationship never truly existed. During this state also they start to abandon, demean, become aggressive, humiliating (especially in public) and whole lot more so that the victim feels they are no longer important.
3. Gaslighting: This is a technique the Narc uses to alter someone’s perception of the abuse is inaccurate. They can say things like your provoked me, you are too sensitive, I never said that or you are taking this way to seriously. This is their way of manipulating the situation to turn it around to make you think the abuse is your fault. Narc are masters at making you doubt yourself and the abuse. This is why the survivors suffer from second thoughts after a break up because the emotional invalidation they received made them powerless in their perceptions. This self-doubt makes them stay in an abusive relationship even though it is clear that it is a toxic one. This is because they are led to mistrust their own instincts and perceptions of events.
4. Smear Campaigns: Narcs keep harems. This is because they love having their egos stroked and need constant validation from the outside world. They are clever Chameleons who are also people pleasers, morphing into what every personality suits the situation they are in. So it no surprise that the Narc will start the smear campaign against you not long after the discard phase. This is to paint you as the unstable one. Unfortunately, they are usually very successful at this and this is how the Narcs recruit their Flying Monkeys. The smear campaign can depict you as the abuser or unstable person, this then provoke you thus proving you are unstable when you try to tell your side of the story. This also serves as a hoovering technique is which the narc seeks to pull you back into the relationship as you struggle to reconcile what has been said about you. The only way not to get pulled back is to GO NO CONTACT and ignore everything that is being said. You know the truth and that is all that matters.
5. Triangulation: Narcs like to manufacture triangles, be it love or friends. This is when they then start to get the other person or people to do their dirty work for them while they sit back and look as though they can’t understand why you won’t go back to them. This triangulation be another lover, friends, family or even random people you may meet. They may say thing like “He/she wants you back as they can’t live without you, or I don’t understand what your problem is, he/she is a really nice person. This is a way for the Narc to keep you in control and in check while you are giving him the attention he/she so craves. It is also a way of distracting you from trying to get out of the relationship.
These are the common ways that a Narc pull you in and then destroys you. By telling you about these behaviors it can help you to understand what is happening and help you to not be fooled in the future by another person trying to do the same to you again. Use the them as warnings and Red Flags, but if something does not feel right, then question it. Your body will usually tell you that something is wrong.
I would be lovely to get some feedback so I know if I should continue.
But until then I will leave you with this thought.
Trying to be with a Narcissist is like holding the hand of a drowning person who already knows they are dead, but wont let go of your hand until you die to.
Love and blessings