By Annelize: The bolted, weathered, chained, brown leathery suitcase concealed under my bed.
What if we were all numb, apathetic, and emotionless human beings, moving around in robotic mode?
Living a compartmentalized life was expected of me. I love to live a more rounded life believing everything intertwines then mixes to create the whole. The deeper emotions we label as cruel especially anger, regret, fear, hate, had to be packed tightly away, in a specific compartment. I specifically selected a deep brown leather suitcase, with gigantic locks on both sides, I labeled it, Fragile, Do Not Open! I chained it on the outside with a solid steel chain with a padlock not to be opened- ever.
Closing certain parts of my life as well as never wanting to open it might feel like the best possibility when you feel at wit’s end. Feeling stuck with a decision where you experience there is no other choice but to pack all those feelings into a suitcase and then close them forever, as there is no time to handle those at this moment. Fasten those securely if you want to move forward. How can you move forward with those grueling emotions still part of you, luring to devour you, to bite you when least expecting it? You lock the suitcase assuring yourself that it is safely sealed, then you throw the keys away. You never want to be able to access those once more.
The most challenging part is when that same suitcase under my bed starts beating like the thumping drums of Jumanji. The only difference is the hammering is felt within my heart, in my inner being, my inner soul. Each beat reflected in moments of visual flashbacks triggers that start to bring those same emotions to come roaring and filling my barren heart combined with my despondent mind with despair. Unmistakably I locked it up, but it keeps pounding in my heart. Resulting in panic attacks, adrenal reactions, feelings of sadness, depression, resentment, and excessive anger, to mention a few of these.
Daily motions becoming entwined with sudden strange and unknown feelings. Watching movies, reading an article, all scratching opening scars, and closed off emotions, never asking for them to be felt again. What will I do with these emerging emotions that keep pressuring to forcibly enter my body? Running away will no longer be tolerated, facing these closeted demons, I am forced to face them day after day, little by little they are forcing themselves to scream aloud, with me using utter force to keep them buried and ensuring they stay locked up.
All Cracked Up
Plunging into a pool of pitch-dark waters, sensing the water level rising each day, creeping higher on my delicate skin, gradually drowning like the ice melting slowly in a glass of lemonade. Feeling helpless, without a lifeline or lifejacket to keep me afloat. I can no longer deny the presence of these emotions in my life, I have only one option left, I should face, admit, then relive these. Not only do I have to face the dreaded ancient dragon with her multiple heads, but also need to slay it. I am required to chop off all these menacing heads, trying to destroy me.
The Truth Equals Reality
Finally, I anxiously rambled towards the long, meandering rocky road to face my greatest enemy, the prehistoric dragon breathing then spitting fiery hot fire from its colossal mouth, overflowing with rage, terror, animosity, misery, and sorrow towards me. Approaching the gigantic monster, I suddenly saw a reflection of the dreaded dragon in a puddle of muddy water. I was shocked, shaken, also distressed with what I perceived, the reflection was a tangible projection of me, an ordinary girl crying out for love, acceptance, safety, and security, for someone to care. I collapsed, falling on my knees, then started crying in front of this huge animal. This monstrosity in front of me was only a distortion of me, a part of me I sealed, closed off, caged, and cut off me. I locked it up in a fortified castle, never to let her loose again. I do not have to fear it anymore, I needed to accept myself, just as I am. I needed to love myself, I needed to be a safe shelter to hide in, I had to be the security I need, besides, I need to take care of myself. Treat me, the little me, with respect, love, and understanding. Comforting her pain, her sorrow, her broken heart, to allow these emotions to be welcoming in a safe space. To be able to let her vent by screaming, crying, yelling, releasing all these inner demons, and concealed emotions. Allowing them a place to be seen, to be heard.
At last the gigantic beast was slain, but not with violence, without any force or power, just total surrender to being acceptable with these risky feelings. Allowing these outlawed emotions, to be legal. These prohibited emotions that we never show to society, these same ones we suppress, because people fear anger, people fear sadness, these forbidden fruits that make us human. The dragon was released, the chains smashed, the leathery suitcase ripped to pieces. I was free for the first time in a long time. I could breathe afresh, having those wounds exposed, broken open, raw, also oozing with pain, it could start the process for healing. Releasing me, allowing me, accepting me with that was me, to heal for the first time, to start to process of becoming whole after losing me!
Love and Light,