By Annelize: Love is the indescribable mixture of experiencing different lives in this one body. As a newborn baby receiving love, unconditional love, nurture and protection. The little toddler exploring the world, but running back to the safety of arms love when danger approaches. The spirited little girl, that is worry free, loving nature, childishly playing the roles of love. Then suddenly the crude voices of disdain, of shame breaking and shattering the perfect picture. A dramatic turn of love, breaking a little heart into a million pieces. How can this be? Can love be good and evil in one?
Friends with broken hearts, broken lives, broken bodies. Covering their shame, trying to escape the torturing pain that love brought them. So dependent, so delivered to what they received and never asked for. Threats of abandonment, anger being shouted from the mouths of love, how could this be? Then blissful memories that are etched and framed with perfect sunsets, holidays and family fun. Stability, supply and all needs met, but the inner me, still searching to fill the void. The dark, empty void that some days are filled with the best love ever and other days are left empty with the darkest, scariest memories of fear, anger and shame.
How could love be the sorest sore and the most blissful bliss? Experiencing that first heart flutter, butterflies going crazy, heart pounding, mouth shaking, that first touch of innocent attraction. The forces of nature whirling some delicious concoction in my body. The floodgates open full, pouring out the sweetest of all feelings. Can this last forever? Is this, First Love meant to be? Walking in the clouds, floating on the supply of love, drinking the sweet nectar of Aphrodite. The first kiss, such innocence and vulnerability, such exposure and intimacy, such honesty and magic. The spell of Love has been cast, intimate connections made, energies connecting, the metaphysical powers creating a new creation, never created before.
Commitments made, your love is real, mine is tangible too. Love conquers all, a soul connection never to break, a dream come true, celebration of Love. As Summer turned to Autumn, the love remained. As Autumn turned to Winter slowly but surely the fierceness of the icy cold spikes that struck our dark secrets deeply buried in our hearts, slowly started to seep into our loving bodies. Slowly resentment took the place of affection, hostility took away our calmness, bitterness stole away our happiness. Respect was replaced with contempt; trust was violated and replaced with mistrust and connection ripped apart by uncertainty.
Heartbroken and alone, pieces of unconditional love, affection, dearness, tenderness, loyalty, trust was trampled by mixed emotions, abuse, contempt, aggression and blame. What has become of our Love, where is it, Dear Aphrodite? What about my happily ever after?
Years passed, obsessively searching for my lost love, for a glimpse of my fairy-tale. A small nostalgic reminder of my prince charming rescuing me on his white horse. My mind, my memories became tainted in bitterness and regret. Was it first Love, or was it a youthful free-spirited girl, looking for a safe place, a false security, an escape, a place where she could be accepted? You? I was torn apart, you were torn apart, in fact, we were in pieces. The unpleasant, inconsiderate words of pain etching each other’s heart. Stab upon stab we kept on hurting each other, in the hope that somehow one of us will survive and rescue the other. But we sank…
The battles continued, our world divided, souls apart, connection lost. Abuse, anger, hopelessness and then I gave up, I gave in, I started to ferociously protect the minute tiny little piece of my heart that was still intact, and I had to treasure it. I build a wall, an iron gate, security around to protect that small little girl’s heart that lost it all. The more the wall, the greater the distance. In the end, we looked like defeated strangers torn apart by a ferocious storm that shipwrecked our idyllic boat of life. I became numb, a robotic zombie trampling the earth and scaring its citizens.
We had to call it a day, our real Love story smashed, trampled, torn to pieces, page by page ripped out, laying in front of us on the ground. We had to let go. Let go of it all. How can one let go of true love? Of two decades of love sewn together by the Spirit above. I needed space! I need to breathe again; I am suffocating from all the darkness, so I rejected. But where is my Love?
Alone, no lover, no one, but the silent noise of silence, to annoy me every night in my room of desolation. And then I went all out, the anger overflowed, my thoughts, my body, my heart. It filled me and the bitterness was expelled from my mouth as a bitter vomit, poisoning my soul. Poisoning my life, my family, my being.
What happened? What went wrong? Why could our pure love that I thought could last a lifetime be shattered into pieces in a blink of an eye? Was I too intense? Controlling? Demanding? Free-Spirited? Selfish? The true picture was shown, and I knew my flaws, my part of this horrible nightmare, that was supposed to be a romantic comedy, ending in a tragedy. I saw my role in this never-ending miserable love relationship that I created.
I experienced that Love could break you, I experienced that love could heal you, and that love, no matter how dark or light it is, is still our best hope. Love can bring healing, and healing can bring love. The me I had to face was a dark reflection of years of bitterness, a dark force that seems so foreign but had become my best friend, my darkest shadow. The reflection of myself in the mirror I hated, I was just here, barely alive, but breathing.
Somewhere within me, the spirited power that creates all energy and life, was able to slowly start putting on her ointment of love. Moment by moment, day by day she applied her healing balm, to the untrained dragon’s hideous scars and ulcers. Sometimes the dragon me became angry and blasted my fumes all over my loved ones, many times the lonely dragon me, hid away alone in the depressing dark. The Great Spirit’s Miracle balm heals all scars, all wounds and can heal all love, but it is so painful, it hurts like the deepest pits of hell. It breaks you open, makes you vulnerable, raw and utterly weak. At the end of the self, at the end of the me, at the end of everything I thought I had, I thought I was, I thought I did good, after losing everything, the mirror reflected the truth.
I saw me as all my memories, my past experiences, my hurts, my thoughts, my ideas, evil words, the anger, the guilt, the bitterness, the fear, the controlling one, the one trying to please everyone, wanting everyone to be happy. That was all I could see. From all this, this black pool of hideous concoctions I try to create myself, my security, my life… Me. Healing only came when I started to strip all these things from me, when I was able to face my reality, accepting it all, realizing these are just little shattered pieces. I had to unplug from them, remove them, cut them off and distanced myself from all these horrible truthful things I called myself. My label, that I created from everything in my life, and I called it Me.
Only then could I start to see small glimpses of the real me, the real one somewhere deep down, the real person, the only real Love there will ever be. The healing ointment of the Spirit is soft and gentle, not attached to time, but ever ready to apply her balm of healing. Love is within and flows from within to without, it can never work the other way around, because then we become codependent, expectant of others, pressuring others and closing real love off, trying to keep it to ourselves.
I was able to forgive, I was able to overcome, I was able to grow, I was able to bleed, I was able to be vulnerable, I was able to be weak, I was able to be alone. My love story continues, every day, still today with ups and downs and our heart-breaking love story became the savior of my life and love, and it is still unfolding daily. Not the picture-perfect fairy-tale portrayed in books or movies, but the real hard life vulnerably exposed containing much work and daily forgiveness, but it is filled with hope, the only hope I hold onto, Love.
Love is fragile, love is painful, love is kind, love is tender, love is sacred, love is always there… In me and in you!
Love and Light,
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